I know that our friends over on the East Coast are probably happily ensconced in their couches or armchairs, enjoying tonight's all-new episode of "America's Next Top Model," but I wanted to review last week's portfolio before I watched this week's show.

I don't quite know how I felt about last week; the shoot was actually pretty cool, and there were some good pix, but, despite the Bianca/Saleisha fight, the show was pretty boring, IMO.

But, meh.

RANKINGS!!

12. Kimberly

Her face is okay (kinda scary, actually), but her body looks really awkward. And not in a good, haute-couture way. More in a "I have to pee, but there's not Porta-Potty on this rock wall" way.

I am quite glad that we are finally free of Kimberly and her strangely greasy tresses.

11. Ebony

I don't care if she does have "legsamillion" (TM Nigel Barker). She is a wreck-up from the neck up. Where is the fire from the first episode? She went from the potential drama center of the house to a mousy, awkward junior higher. Ugh.

Oh, and STOP CRYING. Or if you're going to continue crying, use a tissue, for cryin' out loud!!

10. Chantal

I don't care how much the judges rave; this pose is SO contrived. Awkward flailing does not a model make.

She does remind me a lot of Renee in this pic. I don't know that this is a good thing because Renee looked old in a lot of her pix.

And she still has that beauty queen thing going on that bothers me. She's so... I don't know... 80s pretty. She could have been a top model back then. But this is 2007, suckas!!!

9. Janet

Another contrived pose! Ugh, I know it's supposed to be flowy and graceful, but it all looks so posed to me. Cliche, I know, but still!

And her face does nothing for me in this picture. And she is generally just boring on the show. I kinda hope she's booted tonight.

8. Bianca

That's a man, baby!!

Seriously, Bianca has the neck of a linebacker.

Other than that, though, her body's actually pretty good. And at least you can see the anger that she's trying to portray.

And I must say again that I know she has a stank attitude, but at least she's honest about her goal of cutting every girl's throat or stabbing every girl's back until she alone stands to be crowned America's Next Top Model.

She brings the drama, so we know she's not going anywhere anyway.

7. Ambreal

I know that this is supposedly the first "really graceful" photo of the cycle, but, man, her head is tilted so far back, I can see her brain through her nose. It does nothing for her face, I'll tell you that much.

Her body is pretty good, though. I think Ambreal accomplished what Janet was going for.

6. Sarah

I love Sarah's face in this picture. She looks so... interesting. Or, as a friend of mine might say: "fairylike" (last year, at our church Halloween party, he gave out prizes to every child and, when he ran out of ideas like "Best Costume" and "Cutest Costume," he started awarding prizes for "Most Like a Policeman" and "Most Fairylike").

Her body, while looking amazingly long-legged, does look rather stiff, though.

5. Saleisha

This is a pretty cool pose; I rather like it. And her face looks pretty good for someone who's upside-down.

My only problem is that it really doesn't do anything for the dress. And isn't that usually the point of a photoshoot? To show off the clothes?

She does have hands-down the best walk of all the girls this season. Great; not too wobbly or stiff; regal, confident, and poised -- with a hint of sass.

However, if I have to hear about her "experience" one more time, I'm going to have to smack her.

4. Lisa

This pose is pretty crazy, but it kinda works for me. It looks pretty cool. And it looks like she really is climbing that rock wall. Quite edgy.

Too bad her face looks like she just saw someone else drop off the face of that cliff. Yikes.

3. Heather

Heather's pose is pretty good in this pic, but it's nothing compared to her face!! WOW!! I mean, she looks amazing. This could totally be a Dior ad. Wow.

If her pose were any better, I'd have listed her first.

2. Jenah

Wow, this pose is amazing. She really seems comfortable waaay up high in the air, and her body really couldn't be better.

So why not list her first? Because that ridiculous buck tooth won't let me. "Look at me!" it shrilly cries. "I'm ruining this photo! Such is my power!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"

Seriously, I kinda hope they do something about her chompers during tonight's makeovers.

1. Victoria

*dodges heavy object thrown by JennaV*

Hey, come on, now, I have to be honest. Victoria's picture is great. I'm just as sick of hearing her continually gab about how nerdy she is and how little she knows about fashion, but I have to give her props for this pic.

She has this "frightened/shy ingenue" look to her that really works for her and is kinda hot right now. Her arms look crazy amazing, and her legs -- now, Kimberly could take some "pretty-awkward, not pretty awkward" lessons from Victoria here.

Sorry, JennaV. I hope we can still be friends.

What did y'all think?